11/21/2020
I'm sitting here waiting for the lye to cool for the soap I am making and staring at an image of a crowded airport. Apparently people are traveling as usual this Thanksgiving. Only this isn't the usual Thanksgiving. THIS is 2020. THIS is the year of the Coronavirus.
I am not sure I have the words to express what I am feeling. We had over 200,000 new cases yesterday. We've had 2000 dead per day for the last 3 days. And THIS is what people do? I'm just shocked and horrified. The pain and defeat and grief is all coalescing together into this empty hollow pain in my chest.
I knew that "people" were idiots. I knew we would have SOME people doing this. But not this many. It's not just the one airport. It's all over the damned country. It's as if someone issued a challenge to get the most people killed by Christmas as possible and the US rose to the challenge. I can't imagine what they are all thinking. It's insanity at it's most lethal.
I'm tired...so damned tired. I tried my best to stop this. I gave it everything I had. I kept my promises and fought like a caged animal. But in the end it was no use. The growth is exponential and there are too many infected now to stop it. All I can do is try not to get infected. That's it. That, and archive the insanity so that when our children and grandchildren ask us what happened we will be able to tell them. Maybe even learn from it this time. Who knows? I can dream.
1 of the vaccines that tested well has applied for emergency use but it will come too late. It will take MONTHS to make and distribute enough to make a dent in this. It will be 6 months at the earliest. I keep telling myself that if I can just hold out long enough to get the vaccine everything will be okay. But I can't make myself believe it. Lets say I make it. I don't get infected and I get the vaccine and it works. It is still not "okay" because so many did not make it. I don't much care about what happens to me in the grand scheme of things. I care about what will happen to my country and it's people.
Russia is bound to attack again. And this time I suspect it will be worse than downed medical computers. I hope I am wrong but I don't see how. Then there are our own people and their determination to self destruct. Between the denial that Trump lost the election, the coronavirus, and the desperate people who've lost everything, we are in for trouble. It will take YEARS to sort this all out and that's if everyone wanted to help. They don't.
I keep wanting to feel the old anger but it's just not there. I never thought I would miss it. At least it was a motivator. It kept me moving and fighting. Now? I'm just sad and empty. I am trying to remind myself that I have helped people learn how to protect themselves. I got thousands ready for this day. But somehow, staring at those crowded airports it's not enough. Not by a long shot.
So what will I do? Well, I'll keep my word and archive everything. I'll work on the soap I am making and selling to help fund the new house. I'll keep being there for my friends and family and anyone else who needs me. But inside? I'm broken. I can feel it. Something in me just broke and I don't know if it will ever be fixed. I've known for a long time that this pandemic has been changing me. I try my best to make those changes positive. But this feels different. It feels like defeat and tastes like ashes. There is a hole in me now and I worry that it will never close again.
If you're reading this, don't give up hope for yourself and your loved ones. We can still fight for ourselves and some of us WILL win. Don't let my pain become something that effects you in a negative way. Just take everything I have tried to teach and stay alive and healthy. Please?